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I won't apologize for my bad days.

I used to.

As if I had truly done something terrible. I used to spit out "sorry's" like a confetti machine.

Not sure if they ever reached their target or flew in the wind unrecognized.

My guilt is something that digs at me subconsciously. It is an ill fitting second skin that hugs too tight in all the wrong places.

I'm trying to outgrow it.

A daily struggle that I lose or win depending on my mood.

In the end, it is me. I control this emotions. I let them play this game of tug and war. Winner undecided but it's all me. I'm the loser and the winner.

When I win, it feels like all the best ideas flow out in words. A lightness envelopes me. Colours vibrate and I shine.

When I lose I'm wrapped in guilt. Sorry's are my companions. Silently they push me into more guilt.

I'm working on it. Always. This emotion that wants to set up home in me. Uninvited.

I'll keep working on it. Until the colours vibrate everyday.

Then I'll shine.

Photo by Hadinet Tekie

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